Its okay to be lost

Recently, i've been feeling so lost. I have to be honest, when i didn't make the cut, it made me sad, very very sad. It particularly affected my sleeping pattern. I could not fall asleep at night cause i kept on over thinking. Thinking whether or not i was on the right track, whether or not i'm wasting my time. Whether or not my parents are lying about not being disappointed that i didnt make the cut. And when i do fall asleep, i have trouble getting up. Somehow, I felt disappointed that for some reason i still woke up. Basically, i was depressed. --i took a self diagnose test and i got a very high score.

After buckets of tears and loads and i mean loads of avocado milk shake, i feel okay. I still feel lost, but somewhat, i feel okay, i have come to terms with what had happened and where i am right now. This failure does not make me less of a person, it does not define me. And i bet in 10 years, this wont even matter. And i realised that its okay to be lost as long as you don't stop trying. As long as my heart pumps adequate blood for me to live, i will keep trying.

I guess what i am trying to say, when you think you've hit rock bottom, just keep trying! Because you know what, theres no way but up from there. Just push on. And its okay to be lost, to not know everything. Just. Dont. Give. Up.


With love,
dani (: x

Les Miserables

The Miserable. So, I watched Les Miserables with my good friends in uni after having survived an agonizingly long and heart breaking week. and indeed, by the end of the week, I felt miserable. anway..

So..My friends and i watched Les Miserables (finally! been looking forward to watching this movie for almost a week now) This moving truly is an epic movie. A timeless piece. A captivating movie that needs to be watched by every soul on earth. I am aware that the movie I had just watched is a remake. but I think every generation should be able to watch this movie.  this movie, although tragic in most of its parts gives one hope because in a way, each of the characters triumphed over whatever they were facing.  triumphed over the demons that haunted them. 

This movie broke my heart in a million pieces. each of the characters' stories were beautiful in their own right. but of all, I would have to say, eponine and fantine's stories just killed me. Broke my heart to a million mismatched pieces. These parts especially got tears rolling down my face.

Eponine's story just broke my heart. maybe because I could relate to her in a way. 

I was basically crying like a baby when it came to this part of the movie. The emotions. the disillusionment. the hopelessness. the helplessness. twas too much for me. 

This movie made me cry. but you know, this movie taught me something too. That everyone. everyone. has struggles. has demons to fight. has to sacrifice something. no exceptions. Everyone has a reason why they are the way they are. Everyone wakes up each day and fights a battle that only they know about. I realized that no matter how hopeless life gets, it too, shall pass--that seemingly losing battle we are fighting. and Although the world may become a horrible place filled with equally horrible people, one just needs to push on. and trust that everything will be okay in the future. 

Life wouldn't be life if we didn't experience hell once in a while. we wouldn't appreciate the good times. that peace wouldn't have as much value as it would it we never know how it feels to be at war.

Basically, I think you should watch Les Miserables! and Read the novel by Victor Hugo tooo! i'm planning to grab a copy as soon as finals is over or maybe midterms. we'll see.

(: x

dani

Love is Universal

Love. Everyone is in search of it. right? right. and Everyone deserves to love and be loved in return. right? right. The thing is, what is love? really. by love i mean the romantic kind-is it only between a male and a female. and just that? How about the homosexuals? The lesbians? is it not love? what they feel for their lovers? is it love? yes. yes. it is love. for me. it is. why? read on. please.

Love according to a dear friend of ours, merriam webster,it is an attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers. and I believe that it is universal. It could happen to anyone. between a woman and man, man and man, woman and woman. It could even happen between you and me! who knows? I believe that unorthodox lovers deserve to be married as much as the straight lovers do. They love each other. Why hinder them from sharing a life together? anyway, with or without marriage there is nothing anyone can do to stop them from loving each other. All I'm saying is, no one gains anything by stopping gay lovers from getting married legally-- and please dont say that it' degrades the value of marriage and values of the younger generation. it complete and utter -excuse the term- bull shit! Come on. Be realistic. Don't go on pointing  gay lovers and other things that your brain cant fathom to understand for all the wrong things that goes on in this world. As long as their love is real, sincere and thrives, then why not? why the -excuse the term- hell not?

Everyone that loves each other and wants to spend the rest of their lives together deserve to make it a commitment. a life time commitment with each other. Sure, its just a piece of paper but come on. we all know that it makes a difference. If you were in their place getting married would be something, right? An experience that the gay people deserve. I mean, their love is still love. and isn't that enough? is gender really that big of a deal? What I'm trying to say is, Just because the gender pairing isn't the usual/expected that doesn't mean the love between them is any less of value. It's still the same love.


(: x
dani

Must.Push.On

Sorry if my posts so far has been rants and depressing stuff. I'm just so busy with school. Like literally, i'm drowning in school work. like. every.single.freaking.day. we have an exam. even on Saturdays  :/ and honestly, I'm sick of this. sick and tired of this kind life really. I've never really admitted this to anyone, but I feel defeated. hopeless. and lost. you know when you love something, and no matter how hard or how challenging it gets, you still push on. no matter what? Well, that's how I felt about my course. emphasis on past tense there. cause right now, (I've never really admitted this to anyone or even to myself really) I feel so lost. I don't even know if I still want this anymore. I don't know. I don't really know.

all I know is I'm tired. I feel defeated and I want to have fuuun! I'm young! I should be having adventures and doing stupid things not study everyday of the freaking week. even on weekend. ugh.

As much as I want to give up right now, I cant. and I wont. I've invested too much in this course. blood, sweat and tears. and I am going to push on. I think I may need to look back and remember the reason why I chose PT (Physical/Physio Therapy) for my course. and fall in love with it again. yeah. that's what I need. 

On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to our Community Based Rehabilitation Program that starts this february. It'll be in dauin (a city near the beaaaach! eeeeep!) I think that's the kind of experience I need to help me fall back in love with my course. yeah. thats it. (:

I will push on.

(: x

dani

Ramble ramble ramble.

People have this standard for the opposite sex--qualifications if I may be so bold.  for me it would be :(1)someone who smells nice--not in a perfume-y way but in a soap-y way. someone who smell like green. (I dont exactly know what smell it is. but when i do smell it, i know its green),(2) someone tall-- living in a country where men arent so generously blessed with height, and me being freakishly tall, it quite a challenge. (3) someone I can actually be myself around-- awkward and vagabond. and (4) someone with eyes that feel like home. You know, its like wherever in the world you maybe as long as you know when  you look around, you look into those eyes and feel like you're where you're supposed to be. You're home and there's no other place you'd rather be. 

okay so. I'm ramblling. I guess its cause, now adays, i feel alone most of the time. not physically. but there are just times when I look around and look at the faces surrounding me, they all look the same to me. and for some reason, I feel distant like I barely know them. i'm not really making sense right now.  I guess what I'm saying is I seriously need someone. someone who i connect with. not in a slutty, lusty type of connection. but an intellectual and emotional connection. In my 19 year of existence, there's only one person who i made this connection with and twas almost 4 years ago. and the sad thing is, that persons gone--not physically, but he changed. moved on. grew up,i guess. All i'm saying it, it sucks. it sucks. it. just. sucks. i know, i'm young and theres still boats loads of people I meet and I'm bound to find that connection with someone along the way-- how far along the way? i dont know. I guess I just have to wait. and yes, i just had to write this out cause i seriously need to vent it out somewhere cause i was seriously starting to feel like crap. and yeah. this is how i feel at the moment and thats what matters to me.

(: x

dani

Talking biiiiiig. Talking biiiiiiig.

Marriage. Now that’s something I shouldn’t be thinking about seriously well, at my age atleast. But you see, I’ve just watched 27 dresses for I believe, the 3^rd time in my lifetime and for the first time, It stirred me mentally and emotionally that now, I am writing this blog. And maybe  it’s the Pre menstrual hormones making me into an emotional wreck lately.

Heres what I learned(?) I suppose?

I would like to believe in marriage.

            With all these marriages falling apart and it being so.. disposable to people just makes it hard for younger people to believe in it. To believe the whole point of it. Why would they swear till death do they part in front of all their loved ones, of God and give up the moment something’s turn out not the way they expected them to? Why could some people who once loved and adored each other so much just give up? Why can’t they keep trying and look at the old times, the little moments, the big moments! And find a reason to stay, I’m sure there’s bound to be one or two. Why can they make such a sacred commitment seem so.. disposable?  And trivial?

            I know I’m still young and that I have so much to learn and experience. But I would like to believe, that someday, when I meet the right person and get married, in front of all our loved ones and our God(s) that it’ll be eternal. And that no matter how hard things get, we’ll keep trying and not give up. And that no matter how mad we may get at each other, we would still look back at the little moments, the reasons and things that got us into marriage and choose to stay. And that we’ll never run out of reasons to love each other and our marriage.

            This may be a little idealistic and naïve but I just want to believe in marriage and love and happily ever afters. And eternal love. I want to believe that.

(: x

dani

Love me, Please.

As Promised, I made a mix tape. but not the songs i listen to while I study but the music I listen to a lot recently. as you may notice its like 90% Ed Sheeran songs cause I just love his songs to the moon and back. and I'm kinda inlove with his music right now- well, i've loved him for a year or two now. but I wish i could've known him earlier. cause he's just awesome. Hope you guys enjoy! (:

and yes, If you guys are wondering, I feel a little hopeless romantic right now. I dont know. I think I've been single for too long. haha. kidding.

(: x
Dani

Oh, the pains of being a PT student.

Look at this book. like seriously. look at it. It's like 400 pages. thats our coverage for our Unit exam tomorrow. Unit. freaking. Exam. It's not even a midterm exam just a unit exam for crying out loud. this is crazyyyy. Our teacher finished discussing the whole book in one meeting. ONE. MEETING. During the lecture I was basically curling up in a ball in the back of my mind cause I could not, for the life in me, retain everything he said during the lecture and I wasnt fast enough to take down notes either. :(

The upside is... today, was one of our kind-er days. We didnt have a written exam today. atleast, thats one out of our six class days. (and yeah, we have saturday classes! which starts a 7 am. bummer.) but we did have a return demonstration which went surprisingly well. which made me feel quite fulfilled in a way.

Anyway....So I'm planning to upload maybe a mix of the songs I like to listen to when I study so yeah. Please do visit. and if ever there is anyone reading my post, comments are welcome. like srsly. COMMMMMMEEEEENT! haha. 

(: x

dani